Bored to Death
by Courtney-Helena Greene
Summary: Jasper. The ultimate nudist. This is his riveting tale. A funny birthday present for fiction-rules-reality! No pairings! T for language and nudism.
1. Streaking

A/N Alright, sorry I haven't written in a loooooong time! I became obsessed with my phone and becaused since it has internet I don't have to come out of my room… but Aryana, this is your birthday present! A Twilight parody! Okay, so can I hear a happy birthday? This won't be very long and it'll be completed quickly….

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did, I would be writing the next book, not posting on Fanfiction.

Alright, without further ado, I introduce…

Bored to Death!

* * *

Bella smiled and walked through the door. "OH, ROSALIE!"

Her air-headed blonde best friend walked in. "Oh!" She tripped. "Oh, my horses! I have tripped over ANOTHER ant." She tsk-tsked. She got up and smiled at Bella. "Can Emmett come?"

"Okay!" Bella said. Rosalie and Bella skipped along, fell, got back up, and kept walking. They stepped through the door and into Rosalie and Emmett's room.

"Oh, man!" Rosalie sighed. There, in the middle of the room, was a giant brown teddy bear. "Emmett you have to control yourself!" She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and turned. It was a little too quick for poor Rosalie and she fell down again. "God, that makes it 50 times today. It's only 1,050 Bella!"

Just then, Alice flew into the room. "No, dears! It's 10:50!" Alice had a retarded look on her face and big pink wings fanning out behind her.

"Shut up, Alex." Bella mumbled.

Alice smiled. "Dohkay, dears!" She flew down the hall.

Just then, Bella and Rosalie saw something wierd. Jasper was running down the hall, naked. He was screaming the lyrics to 'Firework' by Katy Perry. Rosalie glanced at Bella. In an instant, they were ripping off their clothes and rushing to join Jasper.

"CUZ BABY YOU'RE A FIRRRREWOORRRK! COME ON ;ET YOUR COLORS BURST!" Soon, their song was drowned out by metal music and screams. The angry, naked trio stomped into Edward's room.

"What the heccckkk Edward!" Bella screamed.

Edward was lying on his bed, his eyeliner and mascara streaming from his eyes. He had a knife to his wrists and there was blood all over the place. "YOUR FRIGGIN EMO-NESS IS RUINING MY LIFE." Jasper shouted. He grabbed Edward's knife and in sloppy letters, carved 'FEAR THE FIREWORK' into the wall.

"My wall!" Edward screamed. He started crying and pulled out a spare knife to slit his wrists more.

Now Rosalie grabbed the knife. "BOO FRIGGIN' WHO, EDWARD!" She threw the knife into the wall.

Edward looked at his walls. He shrugged and shook off his derpy sad face. "Oh, what the heck!" He stripped off his clothes and joined the trio. Edward started this time. "CUZ BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK!"

"COME ON LET YOUR COLORS BURST!" Everyone else joined him. Then it began again, the group ran down halls.

Just then, Jacob popped around the corner with a red leash in his mouth. The group stopped and blinked at him. Then, Jacob smiled in a derpy way and turned into a wolf. He kept the lesh in his mouth and they kept running, while Jacob was howling along to the song. Turns out at the end of his leash was Emmett in teddy bear form. The teddy bear Emmett was crying.

"OWW! IT HURTS!" The teddy bear cried.

Jasper jumped up and down as he ran. He hit his head on the ceiling a couple times. Just then, Alice floated near them. "Hellllloooooo, dears!" Alice smiled.

"Shut up, Alex." Bella said. Then, an evil grinch grin spread across her face. "OR YOU CAN JOIN US!"

"WOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WATCH OUT WORLD, HERE COMES ALICE CULLEN!" Alice stripped off her clothes (all but her fairy wand, of course!) and joined the group.

All too soon, the song came to a stop. Jasper looked down sadly. "What do we do now?"

Alice smiled. "IT'S BRITTANY, BETCH!" She yelled. The group continued running down the hall, now singing Brittany Spears songs. They made their way out to the street.

They ran and ran, all the way into town. Now everyone was joining them, drunk or not. In the front of the mob (because streaking people are NOT considered a crowd!) was Bella's best friends and the the wolf pack. But leading the mob was, of course, Bella, Rosalie, Jasper, Jacob, Emmett, Alice, and Edward.

~Meanwhile~

Esme had a collection of ripped clothes. "Carlisle, do you know where the children are?"

"No, why?"

"Because they don't have their clothes." Esme gestured to her pile.

"Oh, god." Carlisle rubbed his temples. "CHECK THE BOOZE!"

Carlisle and Esme rushed over to their Alcohol fridge. All the drinks had been drank. Carlisle looked sad. "Hey, I know where they could be!" Esme grabbed Carlisle's hand and they rushed outside.

It was quite easy to find the mob. You just look for the discarded clothes. When Carlisle and Esme got there, the mob was singing Ke$ha songs. Charlie Swan was running around the mob, screaming 'WOO!' Carlisle looked at the group that had started the mob.

"You need to go home NOW!" Carlisle boomed.

Bella smiled. "No."

Carlisle stood close to Esme. "Our kids are crazy!" Esme whispered in Carlisle's ear.

"Hold up." Carlisle whispered back. "NOW!" He shouted.

Bella and the rest of the group shook their heads. "No. We don't think we will." Jasper said.

Carlisle shrugged. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" He said to Esme. Then the couple ripped off their clothes and rushed to go join the group.

"BABY, BABY, BABY. OHHHHH! IT'S LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, NOOOOO! IT'S LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY. OHHHH! I THOUGHT YOU'D ALWAYS BE MINE, MINE!"

Edward stopped. "IF YOU DON'T CHANGE THE SONG I'M GOING TO KILL 1,000,000 BABIES!"

Everyone gulped. They kept running. "U-G-L-Y! YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI! YOU UGLY!" They sang.

* * *

A/N- Oh, my god! That was so much fun to write :3 The only thing I own is the plot line… hehe I will write a chapter 2! Just wait it'll be up by next week… I know, it was super short!

Okay, now in the reviews can I hear a Happy Birthday shoutout to fiction-rules-reality? First person to say it gets an OC and a pairing of their choice (this is optional) in my Twilight Holiday story!

Okay, and DERP FACES are mentioned repeatedly in this story! Examples are on my page!

Thanks for reading!


	2. Jasper Can't Be Tamed

A/N- DO NOT READ THIS IF SENSITIVE TO JUSTIN BIEBER OR EMOS. THERE ARE SEVERAL APPEARENCES FROM HIM ALONG WITH THE JONAS BROTHERS AND MILEY CYRUS.

Esme walked into Jasper's room. "Jasper, it's been a week since the streaking. _Where_ are all of your clothes?"

Esme shrieked as Jasper appeared in front of her upside down, holding on to a string that was attached to the roof. "I BURNED them!" He let go of the rope and landed in front of his mother. "WOOOO!" He beat on his chest like an ape, then ran out of the room.

Esme chased after him. "YOU COME HERE RIGHT NOW MISTER!"

Suddenly, Jasper stopped. He put one hand on his hip and swung the other around his head like a lasso. He shook his hips from side to side madly. "I CAN'T BE TAMED! I CAN'T BE SAVED!"

Esme glared at him, her eyes aflame with fury. "YOU CAN AND YOU WILL!"

Can you guess what happened next?

Jasper shrieked and jumped out the window.

~meanwhile~

Bella picked up her queen. She cleverly maneuvered through the pieces. "EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME!" She yelled. She knocked over Rosalie's king and smiled. "Check and MATE!"

Rosalie's eyes widened at her friend's masterful move. "Oh my god." She whispered. "You killed me on the first turn! YOU'RE A GODDESS!"

Alice sat at a chair, drooling on the table. "You know, I heard Edward killed the 1,000,000 babies anyways." Bella's eyes lit up.

"BABY BLOOD TASTES SOOOOO GOOD!" The brunette got up and started making out with Edward, then dragged him off to the dark recesses of the house. Before she left, she looked at everyone. "Yup, baby blood. MUAHAHA!"

Carlisle didn't look up from his newspaper. "I sure hope Bella knows she's still human."

Emmett sighed. "OH NO HERE IT COMES!" He yelled. Then his hand 'poof'ed into a teddy bear arm and he started swinging. He hit Rosalie and Alice so hard they got knocked over. He accidentally hit Jasper in his… you know… and the poor vampire fell to the floor in pain.

Jacob ran over. "C'mon, man! I respect no clothes in the house. TO BE A DOG YOU GOTTA LIVE LIKE A DOG, MAN!" So Jacob grabbed Jasper and hid him behind a couch.

Esme ran inside the room. Carlisle smiled. "Hey, Esme! Heyyy!"

Esme's head turned to the left and to the right. "WHERE'S JASPER?"

"I wish I knew, Esme. I wish I knew."

"Why are you saying everything twice?"

"I don't know, Esme. I don't know." Carlisle looked back at his paper and began to read.

"Damn." Esme whispered, before running away.

Carlisle looked around as Rosalie and Alice began to wake up. "Is anyone injured?" He asked.

"I THINK I HAVE SOME BRAIN DAMAGE!" Rosalie yelled.

Carlisle paused for a second, then kept looking around. "Anything you weren't born with?"

Jasper popped out of the couch and ran away, screaming bloody murder. Somehow he got out the door and down the street. Rosalie jumped out a window to watch, but she fell. She got back up and walked over to where she could watch him at.

Jasper was still naked and he was still running, waving his arms over his head. Suddenly he got hit by a cop car. They _tried_ to arrest him, but he kept running.

"LET'S GO!" Rosalie yelled. The family (excluding Esme, because she was already chasing Jasper) piled into the van. Bella's mouth was covered in blood and she was smiling at Edward. Edward was being over-protective again and he had his arms wrapped around Bella, his jaw tight. Emmett had shrunk to a regular teddy bear size, and Jacob, being the dog he was, was trying to tear him to shreds. Rosalie was hitting Jacob on the head with a pineapple, and Alice was hitting herself on the head with her wand trying to turn herself into a potato.

*1 hour later*

Carlisle was still looking around frantically. "WHERE ARE THE CAR KEYS?"

Rosalie turned around and hit Edward in the back of the head with her pineapple. He hacked for a second, then his black, lizard-like tongue unrolled. Rosalie grabbed the keys and handed them to Carlisle. "Found them!"

"Wow. If anything, you getting knocked out knocked some sense into you." Carlisle said, amazed.

As if to prove him wrong, Rosalie screeched 'spider!' And next thing you know Carlisle has a pineapple carpet. But Rosalie didn't stop there. She used one of the leaves to scoop up the spider, then she shoved the entire thing down Edward's throat. "EAT IT LIZARD MAN."

Edward began to cry. Nobody could tell if it was because of his 'food', or if it was the fact that Bella kept biting him really hard because she wanted to be a vampire. (A/N: Vampires are described as rock hard in the book, but really they're big fat squishy thingy-dingys. Like Barney.)

Finally, the gang was on their way. Suddenly, the world's most powerful guitar, Tyrannolt, popped up. It blasted some insane waves and flipped over the car, and everyone in Twilight died and went to Marshmallow Hell, where the gummy bears have swords in their heads and every time you turn a corner a big, fat, smelly hobo sits on you. Jasper was the only survivor, because even the Harry Potter fans had to admit his nudity was awesome and they let him live.

The end.

JUST KIDDING!

They pulled up into a school parking lot where it looked like someone had barfed marshmallows all over it. Rosalie grabbed her Emmett teddy-bear and whispered in its ear, "Don't you think marshmallows are just flying bunny poop?"

_Finally!_ Emmett thought. _The girl says something smart!_

Edward turned around and screamed like a banshee. Bella's eyes were bleeding and she was holding a laptop. Edward rushed over to her and looked at the screen. The deathly words of "My Immortal" popped up on the screen. His eyes bled, too, and the couple passed out.

Suddenly, a boy with a huge green Mohawk popped out of the hall with only a rag for clothes. He screamed, "MY NAME IS FRANK! I CHOOSE YOU, FREDERICKS!"

"What the…" Bella whispered, but she was cut off after a rock hit her in the head and she got knocked out. After the rock shower was over, there were a bunch of little balls of feather being thrown at them.

"Wow, someone doesn't know how to use a Pokeball." Jacob whispered resentfully.

And then the girls saw it. Even Bella, who was just regaining consciousness.

THE DINOSAUR COLORING BOOK.

A/N: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GIVE ME CANDY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YUPPERS NEW CHAPTER ITS BEEN 4EVER! I suppose this is a St. Paddy's day present. I FRUCKIN LOVE ST. PADDY'S BECAUSE EVERYTHING MATCHES ME AND MY BEE-OO-TI-FUL GREEN EYES. Just so you know, I'm not a troll. Ask fiction-rules-reality, I truly am like this is real life. OTAY THANKS FOR READING! By the way, if you want your eyes to bleed like Edward and Bella, go google "My Immortal" and it used to be on fanfiction, but it is not anymore so you will have to view it on a freewebs website. Otay have fun with whatever you're gonna do nao! Oh my favorite song's on I'm gonna shaddap now. X3


	3. Bitches Love Cake

Bored to Death

A/N: Ugghhh this is the final chapter. I always get so stressed out about what I'm gonna do with this story, so here goes nothing.

Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, Edward, and Alex *cough* Alice were all seated in the back row of Ms. Germaine's English class.

Jasper was gripping the edges of his desk as he did a crazy dance with his feet.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Bella and Edward had pushed their desks together and were both enthralled in the dinosaur colouring book laid out before them. They were both mad at each other, though, because Edward kept colouring everything black and Bella kept colouring everything rainbow.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Rosalie was making out with Emmett, as they always did. Sometimes they'd even have sex in class, but for some really weird and disturbing reason, nobody cared or noticed.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Alice sat at her desk, leaning forward to hit Daisy Dolittle in the head with her wand, trying to transform her into 'the toad she is' in Alice's words.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

"DECISIONS!" Jasper screamed, jumping up from his chair and onto his desk. For the first time, Ms. Germaine realized Jasper was completely nude. All eyes turned to Jasper.

"AND I WANT IT ALL

AND SO I GET IT ALL

I WANNA EAT THE WHOLE CAKE."

As he spoke the last line, Alice, Rosalie, and Bella stood next to him, dressed in strange cake underwear.

"I'M NOT SHARING,

I'M NOT SHARING."

Edward, Jasper, and Emmett ate the cake off of their partners, thus all six of them became nude.

"YOU SHOULDA LEARNED BITCHES LOVE CAKE."

The music blasted over the intercom, and Jasper and co ran out of the classroom, their now nude classmates following behind.

As they walked through the halls, more and more students stripped and joined them, screaming the song along with Jasper. Teachers jumped out of windows, trying to escape the chaos of the school. Them bitches thought they had it covered with their bungee cord ropes.

Nope.

Jasper had cut them.

"DECISIONS,

AND I WANT IT ALL,

AND SO I GET IT ALL,

I WANNA EAT THE WHOLE CAKE.

I'M NOT SHARING,

I'M NOT SHARING.

YOU SHOULDA LEARNED HOW TO BAKE."

Jasper entered the elementary school wing connected to the high school, and a bunch of grade schoolers began stripping naked. They all paraded through the school, then to the middle school. Soon, Jasper had built up a fantastic nudist army.

"DECISIONS!"

Jasper instructed his army what they would be doing. It was risky, but worth it. The "soldiers" stood tall and brave, all holding hands.

Rosalie and Bella dipped their fingers into red paint, then walked down the line as they painted the armies' faces.

Rosalie and Bella giggled at the end. "LOL, Broskii," Belle giggled, "I swear I got red paint in like every kid's eye."

Rosalie tapped her chin, which made it red. "You sure?"

Bella and Rosalie looked out at the kids doubled over in pain, clutching at their eyes and screaming.

"No, I'm not sure at all." Bella shrugged.

"AND I WANT IT ALL

AND SO I GET IT ALL."

Edward came around and pierced each kid with a tag that had a number on it. He pierced their nipples, though. With a knife. When Alice suggested that it was a bad idea to cut open children with the same knife he used to slit his wrists, he stabbed her.

"Fine." Alice snorted. "Assbutt."

"I WANNA EAT THE WHOLE CAKE."

Then it was Emmett's turn to prepare the army. He punched every kid in the face until it cried. He then laughed in the child's face. After that, he licked the child's face and whispered "Be Ready" In their ear.

Needless to say, Emmett was a psychopath.

"I'M NOT SHARING,"

Alice got her chance to shine as she hit all the kids in the genitals with her wand, hard. She yelled 'Demon Be Gone!' As she hit them. She had finished all of the kids when Jasper told her it wasn't an exorcism, and she needed to yell 'Prepare your Anus' instead. The kids all let out a simultaneous cry of fear when they saw her come around again.

"OH, PLEASE." Alice exclaimed, "AT LEAST I'M NOT PIERCING YOUR NIPPLES."

The kids all nodded in agreement.

"I'M NOT SHARING."

Jasper stood up in front. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Sticks and Marshmallows," He did the symbol with his fingers, "Get it? Haha, I make myself laugh. Anyway! The time has come for us to stand up and fight. Against what, you ask? Against those awful microfiber shirts! Against that ugly knitted sweater Grandma made you for Christmas! Ladies and Gentlemen, we are fighting against CLOTHING!"

There was a roar from the crowd, and Jasper continued.

"Too long our bodies have been wasting away in polyester suits and too-tight jeans. We must bring the message to the people, to unmask their suffocating bodies and let them breathe again! Without clothes, there's be no sickness and no war! Can you imagine two armies on the battlefield, no clothes, completely nude? No way of telling friend from foe, all brothers together. Clothes are the enemy, I tell you. CLOTHES ARE THE ENEMY!"

There was a loud cheering from the crowd.

"ON MY COUNT, MY ARMY, WE WILL RID THIS LAND OF CLOTHES FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY! ONE… TWO…"

The doors to the auditorium section burst open, the nudist army filling it. Onstage were the teachers and parents, led by Esme.

"Hello, Jasper." She twirled a shot in her hand and gave him a sinister smile.

"Hi, son!" Carlisle popped out from behind her, only to be hit in the head with an oar. "The fu-"

Jasper glared at his mother, then burst the final line from the song.

"YOU SHOULDA LEARNED BITCHES LOVE CAKE!" He pointed, and the army rushed forward, pulling various weapons from their genitals.

Esme ran over the crowd, jumping on top of the students with ease until she reached Jasper. "TAKE THIS!" She jumped up high, then crashed down on top of him, injecting the shot into his skin.

"HAHA, MOTHER! IT DID NOTH-" Jasper passed out.

Esme stood up and dusted her hands, then looked around. Everyone had died except for the vampires.

"HAHAHAHA!" Rosalie screamed, slapping them in the faces. "THEY'RE ALL PLAYING DEAD!"

After a while, Jasper woke and stood up. "Woah, what happened?" He covered his crotch with his hands. "Mom, what happened to my clothes?"

"It's a long story, hun."

FIN~

A/N: And there you have it! That's it for Bored to Death… wow I'm glad to have this off my shoulders. You hear that, Ashley! This is your other birthday present besides Arthur the owl! I love how I finished this two years after her birthday when I started it XD. Well, goodbye! Be sure to check out my other stories!

~Courtney-Helena Greene


End file.
